Saturday, October 8, 2011

All of Me

I don't know how many of you are familiar with Matt Hammitt, lead singer of Sanctus Real, but I have admired the band's music for several years, even more so once I heard "Lead Me" and the story behind the song.  I was also drawn in by reading the Hammitt family blog, which you can find here, which chronicled the birth, surgeries, and amazing story of their son Bowen, who was born with a congenital heart defect.  There is something very compelling about reading the story of this family who is trusting God through even the darkest of times.  I am happy to say that, right now, Bowen's health is good, and their story has been such an inspiration to me.

One of Matt's latest singles, though, has been on my mind of late.  It is called "All of Me" and was written to and about Bowen and their situation.  While I cannot relate to having a child with a major health problem (Thanks to God that Connor has thus far been a very healthy little boy.), the lyrics pierce my heart every time.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Having a child means that part of yourself, essentially, your very heart, is tangible.  This makes for a delicate balance between love and fear.  It is terrifying to know that no matter how much I love Connor, no matter what I do for him, no matter how many hugs and kisses I shower him with, it is ultimately not in my power or control as to what happens to him and what decisions he will make.  I can watch, hover, fret, and worry, but I must ultimately remember that Connor is not really mine to begin with.  He is a beautiful gift from God in my life, and to truly love him, I must give all of my heart to God first, and then to Connor, and be willing to risk whatever hurt comes my way as a result.  That is not easy for this type-A, controlling personality.  I tend to know how/when/why things should be done (or at least I think I do) in order to be "right" and giving up control means facing uncertainty. 

However, is it worth it?  Most definitely.  Giving up control and facing the fear means that I am letting God write my story, trusting Him to care for Connor, and that means he is in the best hands possible.  I don't ever want to love with part of me.  I want to let God, Connor, and all those I love the opportunity to have all of my heart.  I want to live with reckless, unconditional love.  I want to let people have all of me, be real, be transparent, be vulnerable.  I hate letting people see my flaws and weaknesses, but I am starting to realize that it's the only true way to have community and fellowship with one another: to be real about who we are.  God wants all of me, no matter my flaws or failures -- he doesn't just want the facade.  However, I am not so comfortable giving the parts of me that are flawed and broken.  Human nature, I suppose, to only want to acknowledge the good and successful aspects of our personalities.  But to truly love God, and in turn to love my family, I must give him all of me.

I am so thankful for the talent of songwriters like Matt, people who can pierce my heart with messages from God, and share lessons in such a poignant way.  Please pray that I can truly live out the message contained in "All of Me."

*photos by Candice Robertson


Allysa said...

beauitful...and a perfectly timed message for this controlling momma. :) Thank you.

Laura Ashley said...

Thank you, Allysa! I faced many of the same feelings when Connor was tiny (and still do, sometimes)! Thankful that we can all share in this journey of motherhood together through blogging (and praying for one another)!